he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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