You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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