I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
