Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
