I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
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Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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