At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
