Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
