I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
