I cannot find my penis.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize
