Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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