Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles