I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
my poor anus
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
