I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
