The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
