I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
