I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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