she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
