He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
