Im at strip club and am horny
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
