Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
its liver damage thursday
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
