There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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