it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
