dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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