just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
