dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
