I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
