12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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