Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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