two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
