Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
