i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Damn victory sex feels great
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
