I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
