We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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