We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
