god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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