He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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