birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
