oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
