respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
