when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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