I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
