Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
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THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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