uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
