...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
