I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
