I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You ate ashes out of my bong
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
