You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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