I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
