What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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