that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
