you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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