he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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