There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
