It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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