he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
