my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
