i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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