I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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