I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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