I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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