So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
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Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize